


The Things You Say

by TheWalrusAndTheCarpenter



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Car Accidents, M/M, Minor Character Death, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-21
Updated: 2015-08-21
Packaged: 2018-04-16 12:35:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4625559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheWalrusAndTheCarpenter/pseuds/TheWalrusAndTheCarpenter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s the anniversary of Karl’s death, but at least Anders doesn’t have to go through it alone again this year.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Things You Say

**Author's Note:**

> Beta'd by Itsalsoagun on tumblr. Sparked by one of our many conversations on dragon age headcanons.

Anders was having that dream again, the one that kept bringing up old, painful memories. Just like always, it started off peacefully, lulling the blond into a false sense of security that maybe this time it would end differently. It never did.

“Anders, come on!” Karl moaned from the doorway of their apartment.

It was nothing fancy, but it wasn’t pleasant either. A one room apartment with more mould than furniture in one of the seediest areas of Kirkwall would never have been classed as ‘nice’. The couple had spent months trying to gather enough money to move into a better place in a much safer area, but Karl has insisted that Anders used it to pay off his medical school bills. _‘So long as I have you, I don’t care where we live.’_ Karl had said; the faint wrinkles at his eyes showed more as he smiled.

“The movie is going to start soon and, as much as I love being at home with you, I really do think you deserve some time away from this place.”

Karl moved towards Anders, who was still frozen in place, and wrapped a soft scarf around his neck.

“Anders?” Karl’s voice caused Anders to finally pay attention and look up at him. “Are you alright? Usually you’re the one nagging me to leave the house, not the other way around.” 

“Can’t we just stay here?” Anders pleaded softly.

Karl smiled gently and pressed a light kiss to Anders’ forehead. 

“You know we can’t, I’ve already paid for the tickets.”

The blond just nodded and went to put his boots on. There was no point trying to change anything; it had never made a difference before and he doubted that it would this time around.

Anders followed Karl down to the pavement, hunched over in resignation. As the pair got into Karl’s battered car, the older man spoke again.

“Anders, you seem really on edge.” He said, placing a hand on Anders’ shoulder. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

Forcing a smile, Anders nodded. _Savour it while you can_ , he thought.

“Yeah. I love you, Karl. You know that don’t you?” Tears began to well in his eyes and Anders blinked rapidly in attempt to stop them falling.

“Of course I do, I love you too.”

Like always, Anders put on his seatbelt and then watched Karl put on his. As they drove down the road, Anders counted down in his head, unable to focus on what Karl was saying. He didn’t need to pay attention; he had already had this moment replayed for him in his mind more times than he could count. If asked, he could probably have recited what Karl was saying word for word.

They reached the turning and, just as it had done each and every time, the lorry had sped out running the red light. Karl had no time to do anything but sit there as the lorry headed rapidly towards their car. In a last attempt to change the nightmare, Anders pulled Karl towards him as quickly as he could, to try and shield him from what he knew was coming.

It didn’t work; it never did. As the lorry made impact, all Anders could feel was the shattered windscreen lodged in his skin, and Karl’s battered body growing limp in his arms.

It always ended the same.

When Anders’ awoke he tried to hide his tears, with Fenris to his left and Hawke to his right - crying would have woken either one or both of them up. He was expecting the dream; it always came around on the anniversary of Karl’s death. It may have been years ago, but he still remembered everything vividly. He could remember the sound of the lorry trying to screech to a halt, as well as the smell of petrol and blood when the lorry failed to stop, but mostly he remembered the feeling of the man he loved going lax in his arms.

He didn’t realise that he has started crying again when he felt a slender hand on his.

“Anders? Are you crying?” Fenris asked softly, still half asleep, eyes blinking wearily up at the blond.

Anders rubbed the tears from his eyes and turned to face the smaller man, smiling weakly.

“I’m practicing fake crying so that I can guilt the woman at the shelter into letting me adopt all of the cats. As you can see it is working perfectly and so-“

Fenris knew that he was lying from the moment Anders opened his mouth. He’d like to think that it was because he knew Anders’ tells well enough but, really, it was the way that Anders voice cracked as he tried to speak, and the fresh tears welling up in the blond’s eyes.

“Come,” Fenris said as he turned to get out of bed. “I know that you won’t go back to sleep, let me make us some tea.”

Something that Anders always loved about Fenris was that he respected and realised when a matter wasn’t to be pushed any further - he always just let people tell him things when they were ready to.

Slowly, Anders got out of the bed and wrapped the duvet back around Garrett carefully. A whole herd of buffalo could charge through the apartment and the bear of a man would have still kept sleeping. Immediately Garrett curled around the large duvet, hugging it tightly.

Fenris handed Anders his tea and sat beside him on the sofa. Tears were still threatening to appear, so Anders decided that watching TV would be a good distraction from thinking about the nightmare. If Fenris objected to watching Catfish re-runs then he didn’t say, just wrapped an arm around Anders and let the man place his head on his shoulder.

-

Garrett eventually rose from his hibernation-like sleep an hour later. He shuffled out of the bedroom with dried drool on his chin and in his beard, his hair looking like he had walked through a bush backwards, and with one of his pajama legs stuck halfway up his thigh. A small smile worked its way onto Fenris’ face; Garrett in the morning was always a mess. He was attractive, but a mess nonetheless.

“You’re both up early.” He noted as he joined them on the sofa, stretching his legs out on top of their laps.

“I couldn’t sleep.” Anders said quietly.

“Nightmares?”

The blond shrugged noncommittally, keeping his eyes on the TV. It was no secret that Anders often had nightmares, but usually whenever he did there was a lot of thrashing around and crying that resulted in everyone getting up. That factor always made Anders feel guilty even though he knew that Fenris and Hawke would have preferred to wake up a few hours earlier than have Anders stuck in one of his nightmares.

They sat in silence for a few minutes before Anders spoke up.

“Karl died today.”

Fenris’ hand that had been softly massaging Anders' shoulder stilled, and Garrett turned to face the blond. Karl had been mentioned before, but never in detail. He had told them about how Karl and he were together for a very long time, and how Karl was a teacher. Anders even mentioned once how Karl helped fund his medical school education. However, whenever they asked about what happened to the two of them, he dried up. Fenris automatically assumed the worst, while Garrett just thought that the two didn’t end on good terms. But Anders flat out saying it shocked them both.

“We were hit by a lorry,” Anders hiccupped as he tried to keep his attention on the screen and not the tears escaping his eyes. “H-he died in my arms. 

No one really knew what to say. What were you even supposed to say in a situation like this?

Garrett took one of Anders’ hands and massaged the back of it with his thumb as the man turned into Fenris’ shoulder and cried. They let Anders cry, not because they enjoyed seeing the man they loved hurt, but because they knew that he needed to. Garrett understood what it meant to lose someone you love, although he didn’t love his father in quite the same way that Anders loved Karl.

“Call into the clinic,” Fenris said, rubbing small circles on Anders’ back. “You’re staying at home today and don’t even try to tell me that you can’t because I know for a fact that they owe you holiday time.”

“You’ll stay won’t you?” Anders’ voice was small, afraid.

Fenris already had the day off since the library didn’t open on Thursdays, so the question was obviously aimed at Garrett.

Said man scoffed. “Because I was really going to leave you in this state to go and spend the day teaching kids how to throw a ball.” He said as he rolled he overdramatically rolled his eyes. “Yes of course I’m staying; Cullen will probably cover for me.”

At least Anders wouldn’t have to spend the day by himself like he did before he met Hawke and Fenris. Usually the day was spent crying and half-heartedly doing household chores to keep him distracted. The day would still hurt and he would still cry a lot, but at least he wouldn’t be alone.

“I should probably call Aveline then if I’m not going in.” Garrett announced, moving his legs off of the two men and heading towards his where his mobile was. “While I’m up, does anyone want anything?”

“More tea would be nice.”

“Got’cha, one tea for Fen. Anders?”

Anders shook his head. “No thanks, I should probably have a shower actually.”

As Anders went to go and have a shower, Fenris joined Hawke in the kitchenette. Hawke filled the kettle with water and leant against the counter as he waited for it to heat up.

“Shit.” Garrett muttered under his breath, he was still trying to figure out what he was supposed to do. Everyone deals with death differently he knew that, but Anders’ was usually so full of life that seeing him like this scared him a little.

“Shit indeed.” replied Fenris. “Do we have any bread? He needs to eat something, because God knows that even on an average day he won’t eat without us reminding him.”

The taller man nodded towards one of the cupboards and begun to make Fenris’ tea. Whenever they were out he would always insist on having completely black tea, no milk or sugar, even though he hated it. Garrett just thought it was to keep up appearance because he knew that he hated black tea more than he hated fish, and he _really_ hated fish. But whenever he was at home, it was chamomile with at least four sugars. Personally, Garrett didn’t like tea. He much preferred coffee or hot chocolate.

-

When Anders eventually emerged from the shower, Hawke was on the phone to Aveline and there was a plate of warm buttered toast on the counter. He hadn’t bothered to properly get dressed; he had just thrown on a pair of dark shorts that were close to falling apart and an old, slightly tattered white t-shirt. He hadn’t even attempted to dry his hair; it just clung to his face and neck, dripping down his shoulders.

“You really should try and eat something.” Fenris said before taking a sip of his incredibly sweet tea.

Food was one thing that there was no point arguing over. Anders didn’t really eat much normally, but what caused Hawke and Fenris to worry was how often forgot to eat when he was too occupied with his work at the clinic. Sometimes, Fenris would ring Anders during his lunch break to make sure that he eats, and Garrett would do so too if it weren’t for the fact that their lunch breaks weren’t at the same time and apparently getting your phone out in the middle of class to check that your boyfriend is eating is a ‘bad influence on the children’ and ‘very unprofessional’ as Aveline so helpfully put.

Anders just nodded and took a piece of toast from the plate, nibbling on it slowly.

“What do you want to do today?” Asked Fenris, Anders knew that he meant if there was anything that Anders usually did on this day, if there was a certain way he went about it.

The blond thought for a moment, taking another bite of toast before replying.

“Usually I visit his grave but, it’s a lot further away now than it used to be.”

When Anders still lived in Darktown, the cemetery was only a short distance away and so he could just walk there whenever he needed to. However, now they all lived in Hightown, the cemetery was over an hour away by car. He wished that he could have had Karl buried somewhere nicer like he deserved, but Anders just didn’t have the money for anything like that, he had barely been able to afford a small service.

“Yes I’ll be in tomorrow, I promise. Okay, yes _goodbye_ Aveline.”

Garrett ended the call and moved over to Anders. He pressed a soft kiss to the man’s damp head before taking a slice of toast off of the plate.

“We can still go.” Fenris said.

“Hm? Go where?” Apparently even though Garrett was only a few feet away, talking to Aveline meant that he had blocked out any other conversation that was going on at the time.

“Karl’s grave.” stated Anders. He left the rest of the toast, unable to finish it.

Garrett nodded. “Sure, tell me where it is and I’ll drive you.”

“It’s kind of far; you don’t need to waste your petrol on it.”

With a mouth full of toast, Garrett shook his head at the blond. He swallowed before replying.

“Honestly Anders, you would think you’re asking us to drive all the way to Orlais. It’s in Darktown isn’t it?” Hawke paused, waiting for a reply, and then Anders nodded. “See, that’s not that far, really, and it’s the least we can do for you today.” Anders gave a small smile.

“Thank you.” he said before heading back to the bedroom to change into something nicer; it would be the first time that Anders had visited Karl since moving in with Hawke and Fenris, and he wanted to look nice for him to show that he was okay.

Once he had finished his tea, Fenris spoke again.

“We should stop off at the florists on the way.”

“Yeah I know.” Garrett sighed “I feel so bad for him, I want to help but I don’t know how. I feel like losing a family member isn’t quite the same as losing someone you’re dating. God, I don’t know what I would do if I lost one of you two.”

Fenris took one of Garrett’s hands and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “We just need to be here for him and let him grieve. But I do think that visiting Karl may help him.”

-

The drive to Darktown’s cemetery was quiet. It wasn’t an awkward or uncomfortable silence, but none of them really knew what to say. It felt odd - usually the car was filled with a lot of noise, Garrett singing some tune from one of the random CDs he had stored in the car while Fenris and Anders were bickering over who sat shotgun. More often than not the two would just decide to sit in the back together rather than argue anymore.

At one point Garrett had turned on the radio but had turned it off again shortly after; it just didn’t feel like the right time to listen to pop songs. Instead, he rolled down the window and let the rush of wind and the sounds of traffic fill the car instead.

They had stopped at a florists like Fenris suggested and Anders bought a small bouquet of lilies. Karl always loved bluebells but you can’t make a bouquet out of those, so Anders went with second best. All you could smell inside the car were the very poignant lilies (the lady in the shop had sprayed them with floral scent like she did with her other flowers to make them smell stronger) and Fenris spent the journey trying really hard not to sneeze. Anders always said that Fenris sneezed like a kitten and that it was adorable.

“Do you want us to stay here or go with you?” Fenris asked when they pulled up in the car park.

Anders thought for a moment, twirling the bouquet around in his hands as he did.

“Can you stay here, is that okay?”

“Yeah that’s fine!” Garrett threw in a smile. “We’ll be here if you need us.”

With a nod, Anders exited the car. He didn’t need to look around to find where he was going; he had been here enough times to know where exactly Karl was. He was buried underneath the willow tree near the corner of the cemetery.

“H-Hey Karl.” Anders said as he approached.

At the start, he always felt weird talking to Karl’s grave. Normally the more he talked, the more he felt as though Karl was listening and that eventually made him relax.

“I’m so sorry that I never got to visit you much before now, everything has been a bit of a whirlwind the past year.” He explained, sitting down next to the stone with Karl’s name engraved.

_Karl Thekla. Son. Boyfriend. Best friend._

The last two were in relation to Anders. Karl’s parents never necessarily agreed with their relationship but they still cared enough to mention it on his grave, which had meant an awful lot to Anders. He never talked to them after the funeral - it felt weird to see them again after, especially as they’d never been close before.

“I’ve met someone, well two people actually, I hope that’s okay. It’s been a while since you passed and I know you would have wanted me to move on and to be happy.” Anders began to pull at the grass nervously, forming a small pile next to the flowers he had bought. “I am.

Happy, I mean. I still love you though, and I’m starting to realise that I probably always will.”

A warm breeze blew past him softly, Anders knew it wasn’t Karl but it helped to think that it was. It was like Karl was telling him that it’s okay to move on and that he loves him too.

“I think I love them too. No, I know I do. They’ve helped me so much since I’ve met them and…” Anders let out a quiet laugh as he looked back towards the car where Fenris and

Garrett were engaging in some kind of debate. Garrett was probably trying, yet again, to persuade Fenris to let him get a dog. “I think you would all really get along.”

For the best part of an hour Anders sat next to Karl’s grave, telling him as much about the past year as best as he could. He explained about how he met Hawke and then how he met Fenris.

He told him about how when he met Garrett’s mother she had insisted on sending him lunches at work because he was “too skinny”, and how at that same meeting he had managed to persuade Garrett’s younger sister Bethany to join the animal rights activist group that Karl and he had started. Leandra had stopped sending lunches after Garrett had mentioned in a phone conversation to her that Fenris was on ‘Anders lunch check’, as he liked to call it, and that she didn’t need to keep sending ham sandwiches.

Anders had even told Karl all about the time that he had taken home a box of stray kittens, and how Fenris had helped him find suitable homes for them when he realised that their apartment building didn’t allow pets.

Eventually his back began to ache; he really wasn’t made for sitting on the floor for so long. Getting up, Anders winced as his back popped.

“I’ll be back Karl, I promise that I won’t leave it so long this time.” He stroked the top of the gravestone, just like he always did when he visited. “I miss you, and I love you. Maybe next time Fenris and Garrett can come too, if that’s okay. They’re sitting in the car right now. I would have brought them along with me, but I felt like it should have just been me today.”

With a sad smile, he took one more look at the grave before heading back towards the car.

“I was gone for a long time wasn’t I?” Anders said, laughing nervously as he got in.

Fenris just shook his head, “Not really.”

“How’re you feeling?” Garrett asked as he put his seatbelt back on.

For a moment, Anders thought. It still hurt, but talking to Karl did make a big different. Plus, it probably also helped that Fenris and Garrett were so nice about it all. He smiled again, although it was small it wasn’t forced in the slightest.

“Better."

-

When they got back to the apartment, Fenris headed straight to the kitchen to grab some plates for the pizza that they had decided Anders needed on the way home.

“We could just eat straight from the box, Fen. You know, like most people?” Garrett said as he put the boxes down on the coffee table in front of the sofa.

“Fine, but I’m having a plate.” Fenris huffed, taking one out of the cupboard “Anders, do you want a plate?”

“Oh, no thanks.”

Anders moved over to the sofa, sitting in the middle of the sofa next to Garrett.

Hawke was already halfway through a slice when Fenris sat down on Anders’ other side.

“If you keep eating at that rate, you’re going to get sauce in your beard again.” Anders said as he took a piece for himself.

“Well I’d be saving it for later then, midnight snack and all that.” He replied with a wiggle of his eyebrows.

Fenris snorted as he filled his plate, “You are a disgusting man, Garrett Hawke.”

“Garrett _Malcolm_ Hawke, thank you. If you’re going to use my name like that, use my full name.”

The light, playful teasing continued even after all of the pizza had been eaten and Anders had turned on _The Aristocats_.

For the first time since Karl, Anders truly felt that he could spend the rest of his life like this. Sitting in between Garrett and Fenris, with a box of pizza and a cheesy movie, he felt at home.

“I really do love both of you. Thank you for everything you did today.” Anders said.

“We love you too, so very much.”

Anders wasn’t replacing Karl; he knew that it wasn’t like that. Loving Karl didn’t make him love Garrett and Fenris any less, just like loving Anders didn’t make Fenris love Garrett any less, or vice versa.

He didn’t want to think about the possibility of losing either of them like he had lost Karl, but now was the time to think about good memories and to snuggle up between Fenris and Garrett. He had been sad for far too long, and that wasn’t what Karl would have wanted. Now he needed to let himself be happy again


End file.
